Unflushable, Part 2: Seven Tips for Dealing with Rejection

dear delusional, spurned, jerkface idiot:
ringing my doorbell three times at 11:30pm and demanding (again) to know why i dumped you, even though i gave valid reasons and tried to be kind, is not an effective way to convince me to give you a second chance. it is, rather, quite a good way to get a furious diatribe on (most of) the reasons i dumped you, the reasons i will not take you back, the reasons i will not even consider it, and a few reasons why you are a sorry excuse for a man who never deserved my notice in the first place. now that i've told you in person and in no uncertain terms that i do not want you to ever contact me again, the next time you call, text, or show up at my doorstep (mr. creepy mccreepypants), i will get a restraining order. and if i hear one word of a rumour that you might have said anything about me to anyone i know, i will let "hill justice" take care of you.

i have composed 7 tips to help you deal with rejection:

tip 1: sending me stupid and mean text messages are not a good way to get me to take you back.
tip 2: if you want to have a reasonable adult conversation with me, don't ring my doorbell at 11:30pm.
tip 3: don't ring it three times.
tip 4: if i ask who it is, and you tell me, and i say to go away ... GO AWAY.
tip 5: if you ignore this advice, you are stupid and deserve what you get. you are likely to receive some uncomfortable truths about yourself, with little to no sugar-coating. it will undoubtedly end badly.
tip 6: if you are so completely delusional that you might have on some level convinced yourself that YOU dumped ME, you must become reconciled to the fact that i will metaphorically crush your face with the irrefutable truth that i, in fact, dumped you. i will repeat the language with which i brutally dumped you over the phone with none of the guilt that followed the original dumping. i will yell at you, at 11:30pm, within earshot of at least 4 elderly neighbors, that i totally dumped your ass, and that it's time to get the net. and i will furiously order you to never call, text, or contact me again in any way.
tip 7: if you were not a delusional bastard, you'd probably have figured out at least some of the information above. but since you are, you probably drove away feeling self-righteously angry and justified in all your bad behavior. and you probably won't figure out that the next time you try to contact me, i will put a restraining order on your ass so fast it will make your head spin (which is conveniently located way up inside your aforementioned ass).
i hope that's enough closure for you, fuckwit.