in which i link to someone else's blog, and then rant about perfection, or lack thereof

read this other blog: The Disease Called Perfection - Dan Pearce

this. this is what i struggle with personally, and this is what makes me want to shake people when i know the perfection isn't real (and i can tell ... because no one's life is that perfect). yes, i want to be perfect. guess what: i'm not. my fat frees me from it to a point. it's hard to pretend to be perfect when you carry 125 extra pounds of imperfection with you everywhere you go. on the other hand, i still have to fight the desire to seem perfect, because although i know i will never appear perfectly perfect because i am undeniably fat, it makes me want even more to be perfect in every other area.

i hate asking for help at work, because it means admitting i don't know everything.
i always put on at least mascara and lipstick because it's bad enough that i'm fat ... i should look as pretty as i can.
i don't try to make new friends because i don't want people to think i don't already have lots of friends.
i don't have lots of friends because i'm single and i have no kids, and at my age that makes me the weirdo. again.
i am afraid i will always be the weird fat kid in the corner who says inappropriate things.
i don't want my mother to know i'm not a virgin, because it would hurt and shame her.
i can't tell my father he was (and is) abusive, because it would hurt and shame him.
i am afraid to fall in love again because i am so very broken.

i have an eating disorder. it's called compulsive eating and it's like bulimia but without the purging. it's scary and complicated and so much a part of me that i don't know how to not be like this. but i'm trying. not to be perfect, or thin, or beautiful. i am beautiful and sexy the way i am. but i don't want to be a slave to an eating disorder. and this is such a painful one. no one in this fucked up society is going to look at me and say "poor em, she's got an eating disorder because her pediatrician put her on a diet when she got boobs at age 10." they're going to say "poor em, she's fat and lazy and has no will-power, and obviously no self-respect." do i care what people think of me? of course not! i am an empowered woman who does not need approval for my sense of self-worth. the true answer? of course it matters. i want people to like me and think i'm cool. i may not need their approval but it doesn't hurt. i want people to be nice to me and not give me weird or pitying looks. i want them to not talk about dieting all the fucking time, or say "ohhhh that food you're eating smells soooo good i wish i could have it on my diet but it's sooooo many points." what it tells me is that they are better than i am, because they have not given up on their dream of losing 20 pounds by summer, and i have obviously given up, so i'm not good enough. fuck you, bitches. i've lost 21 pounds since this time last year and i'm still wearing the same clothes because at my size, 21 pounds is almost nothing. if i continue to lose weight at this same rate, i will have lost my cheerleader in five years. i will be 40, and i'll have wrinkles. my hottest time is now, and i'm too fat to enjoy it. so yeah, maybe i'm not good enough, and maybe i'm crying while i type this. and maybe you can go fuck yourself because i know you're not perfect whether you admit it or not. and maybe one of my imperfections is that i want you to be miserable because i feel like you judge me. because it matters that people find me wanting. because it matters that the man i loved cheated on me with a skinny bitch. because society tells me that it's my fault for being fat, and not his for being a fuckface douchebag. and everywhere i turn i get the message that i'm not good enough. i don't know what else to do to make it different. how the fuck am i supposed to fix it, when my power is stripped from me at every turn? the power is not theirs, and my power isn't enough, where do i get the strength to carry on? the Creative Power of the Universe is strangely silent, or maybe i just won't shut up with my ranting and sobbing long enough to listen.